I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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