I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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