Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
