The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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