Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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