haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
