Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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