just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
