I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
time to smoke my breakfast
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
