did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
