I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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