If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
we made out on top of his cat.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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