I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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