I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
