Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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