Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize