I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
