drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
