U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
