so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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