Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
