My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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