dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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