even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
