If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
