we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
sarcasm needs its own font
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Mom said you looked used
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
