No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize