It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
