My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
