everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
