I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
