I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
