She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
