I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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