I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
