mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
