Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
