I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
