Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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