I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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