I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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