So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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