Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
this beer tastes like vomit already
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
