dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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