I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The convent might be a nice break from real life
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
