he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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