Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
