so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
