remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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