I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
