I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
