Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
