Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
