She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
