Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
