I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
