Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
