Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Im part way to drunk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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