And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
