And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
