I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
