Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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