i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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