you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
